Self Love is Self Defeating Unless…
“One thing you can’t hide — is when you’re crippled inside.”
― John Lennon
I was genuinely intrigued when I saw a snap of this friend, sitting on a comfy chair in some beautiful locale, sipping wine, and looking on as the sun, set on the horizon. The pic was followed simply by #selflove.
I have heard that before… self-love; but for some reason, my mind decided to focus and hunker down on those two words that day. I am particularly interested in the use of language since I find it fascinating how it shapes culture and norms. (#nerd).
I asked a friend, “Do you love yourself?” He gave me a bewildered look and said with a shrug “I don’t know; never thought about it”.
I turned around to find my other friend looking at me with the expectation that it was her turn next. I repeated my question. And promptly came the answer “ Not enough.” She followed it up with a cocky smile.
Curious now, I asked, “How do you know when it’s enough?”
And that is my question to you…How do you know?
I went on the Internet and looked up articles and saw a few videos. This is what I could gather; Self-love is a state of appreciation for oneself that you achieve by doing things that make you happy.
Now what makes someone happy is entirely subjective. But love? Love is a feeling, that one hopes, prolongs its visit.
So when you love yourself, is it not desirable that you would want to have a general state of love for yourself rather than some fleeting moment of ecstasy followed by deep bouts of anguish?
But how do you maintain this state of bliss? I read up a list of 99 things to foster self-love but each gave me the impression that the love won’t last long. Get a body massage, go to the beach, buy that expensive dress, exercise, remove toxic people, and the other 94 things on the list. All fine advice that is good for a moment’s delight or incredibly valuable as daily habits, but for LOVE? They are not sustainable.
To understand this better, let’s understand a few basic ideas.
We experience emotions like happiness, anguish, pain, and fear through interaction with our external environment. Emotions cannot exist in a vacuum.
Let’s entertain a scary thought for a moment. Imagine you wake up in the morning and you don’t remember anything. No recollection at all. How would you feel? Anguish, fear, troubled? Why? Because you do not recognize the people and places around you.
Now, imagine you wake up with zero memory and you are the only soul around..nobody else. How would you feel? There is no pressure to recollect, no one to identify. You look at a rose and chances are you may be delighted or disgusted. There are no rules, no expectations, no set notions.
Our emotions don’t exist in a vacuum. Any anguish you feel might come from failed expectations; any prolonged feeling of despair may have its roots in unsatisfactory outcomes, and any feeling of happiness might come from an unexpected encounter with an exciting stranger. Our emotions are a series of stimuli and responses. We are prodded like a caged lab rat by the environment and we generate emotional responses.
Constant love for the self is difficult to achieve through a set of activities; they for sure will offer temporary relief, but they will be short-lived. As long as we are chained to our reactive nature, it is difficult to truly madly love ourselves.
So what’s the key? I do not possess the hubris of believing that I have the answer to such a complex existential question.
But the rat needs to realize that the cage is not home.
Consumption will not offer any solace.
Instead of looking to remove toxic people, strive to express yourself in a way that you find your tribe, those who care, listen, help, and understand.
Instead of buying that Chanel bag, feed some animals.
Instead of being a recluse, seek to communicate, to engage. Learn how to best communicate since all emotions are based on external stimuli; being reclusive is like trying to escape the cage with your feet chained tight.
Instead of looking to love yourself, look to love others. And in trying to love others, love interactions, and love externally, you will fall in love with yourself.
